No More Monkeying Around!

Funny story written by JennyNorthStar

Thursday, 30 August 2018

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Congressman Ron DeSantis, now the GOP candidate in Florida's upcoming gubernatorial election, has drawn major country-wide consternation for using the word “monkey” when discussing the idea of voting for his new opponent, Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum, Florida’s first African-American nominee for governor. During an appearance on Fox News, DeSantis warned Floridians that “the last thing we need to do is monkey this up by trying to embrace a socialist agenda.”

Every news media outlet was quick to bounce and frame the comment as racial, given that DeSantis’s Democrat opponent, Andrew Gillum, is black. In this racially charged environment, the story has gathered a lot of momentum and decisive action. In other words, DeSantis stepped in it. Yes, a big pile of monkey poop.

Of course, no one seems to mention that just by associating the word "monkey" and proclaiming it as "racial", is itself racist.

CNN was quick to react publishing two articles headlined: “Florida’s GOP gubernatorial nominee says a vote for his black opponent would ‘monkey this up’,” and “GOP candidate accused of using racist term,” both casting DeSantis’s “monkey this up” remark as racist. That's not at all what DeSantis said. But, the truth has never figured into CNN reporting. Predictably, as with all racial uproars, it's also all President Trump's fault.

On a subsequent Fox News program, when Ron DeSantis was asked to clarify his comments, he mentioned that one of the major reasons for his win was Donald Trump's endorsement. He added: "Trump was the 800 pound gorilla". I'm not sure if that was racist too or DeSantis was doubling down on his "monkey" idiom. One thing is for sure: DeSantis has non-hominoid simians on his mind.

On thrursday Breitbart News reported: Barack Obama warned supporters that politicians had “monkeyed around” with elections, during a campaign speech at Kent State University in New Philadelphia, Ohio, on September 3, 2008. Then-Senator Obama “I come from Chicago. It’s not as if it’s just Republicans who have monkeyed around with elections in the past. Sometimes Democrats have, too. You know, whenever people are in power, they have this tendency to try to tilt things in their direction.”

Funny, I don't remember anyone calling Barack Obama a racist.

After the latest racial upheavals when the N-word was used during a private phone conversation by Papa Johns founder John Schnatter who was fired from his company - Roseanne Barr who lost her sitcom for a racial tweet - the major social media sites, Antifa and ACLU have been quick to respond.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey in a prepared statement said: "Anyone using monkey idioms in tweets will be banned from Twitter for life. No exceptions." The following are the list of offensive phrases declared by Twitter to be racial:

Monkey business
Monkey around
Monkey on your back
Monkey on the shoulder
Monkey see, monkey do
Cheeky monkey
I'll be a monkey's uncle
More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Why do you want to make a monkey out of me?

Apple, Facebook, Google, Microsoft, Samsung , and Twitter
All the major software companies have announced they will be removing their "Monkey" emojis from their platforms in the next release.

Black Lives Matter
Black Lives Matter has put Merriam-Webster Dictionary on notice that they must remove the definition of "Monkey business" from the next edition of their dictionary. They also told all school librarians to remove Curious George, the orphaned chimpanzee the protagonist of a series of popular children's books by the same name, written by H. A. Rey and Margret Rey, from all book shelves. They demand the books be burned.

Gong Show
Antifa is planning a boycott and demonstration during the next taping of ABC's "The Gong Show" which it has declared as racist. A reboot of the dumb TV amateur talent contest from 1976 with Mike Myers returning to Hollywood by emceeing under the prosthetic-laden guise of gregarious English emcee Tommy Maitland. During the opening of every show the following dialog is heard:

Tommy Maitland: "Who's the cheeky monkey?"
Audience: "You are!"
Tommy Maitland: "No, you are!"

The ACLU has filed a class action lawsuit against all on-line and retail outlets who carry and display "Three wise monkeys ". They said in a prepared statement no one should be subjected to such racism. They are even worse than confederate statues and should be removed immediately. See No Evil. Hear No Evil. Speak No Evil."

The Mayor of London
Sadiq Khan, London's Mayor, has demanded English Parliament posthumously declare Winston Churchill as racist for his famous quotation: "Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room".

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has declared all zoos must remove the word "monkey" from all its exhibits, it might offend some workers. The words "non-hominoid simians" must be used instead.

Turner Broadcasting System
Turner Classic Movies (TCM) has announced that it will no longer air any movies with monkeys as they might be considered as racial. This includes 23 Tarzan movies with Cheetah and all 10 "Planet of the Apes" movies.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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