In breaking news, the Kremlin has denied reports that the soccer World Cup will be staged in Russia in June this year.
Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Laughitoff, speaking from the Kremlin Nerve Agent Denial Directorate, commented "We reject this orchestrated accusation by anti-Russian elements in the West that we are hosting the FIFA World Cup here in our Exceptional, Extraordinary Motherland this summer. This is a complete fabrication of the facts, designed to further de-stabilise our democratically-elected government."
Laughitoff continued " We deny denying the denial that we were denied denying the first time this accusation was made by puppets of the Western allies. Furthermore, we completely deny denying the denial of the denial the second time this accusation was made, despite denying the denial of the denial of the first denial of the second and first accusations".
Backing his Foreign Minister, whilst in the midst of setting yet another Unarmed, Circumcised, Bare-Chested and Bareback Eastern Siberian Brown Bear Riding record, President Vladimir Putin was keen to set the record straight. "Someone's smoking something. We never participate in any international sporting events unless the odds are stacked in our favour, and we've had time to get our teams drugged up to the eyeballs."
FIFA has called an emergency meeting to find a new venue. The Ukraine has offered to host the World Cup, provided NATO is prepared to move 5 million troops and 200 nuclear warheads to its borders to provide security for the event.
