Written by Cleopatra Chaos

Saturday, 2 December 2017

image for World warned not to download software from Russia, Iran or North Korea
Totally innocent computer user reacts after receiving blackmail demand from Russian virus

Britain's cyber chief has warned governments across the globe to beware of Russia computer programs that may damage their operating system.

The head of the National Cyber Security Centre revealed that the Polonium Utility, marketed by Spetsnaz Software, promises to free up more memory for the user but in fact simply uninstals programs from other software companies and absorbs the liberated memory into a new partition over which it has total control. Director Ciaran Martin told a press conference that Polonium also destroys essential files and leaves users' computers completely vulnerable. He warned that there is evidence that the Russian program also secretly uses any attached web camera to take embarrassing photographs of the computer operator to blackmail him.

Mr Martin added that Russia isn't the only country believed to be exporting dangerous software. Iran's Sharia Software utility offers to quarantine harmful programs found on users' hard discs, but in fact quarantines perfectly innocent files as well, often locking them away for years without telling the computer user. "When this happens, it is important that you avoid using the Johnson Antivirus program to remedy the situation. It makes it worse."

Earlier this year, another cyber threat was discovered, namely the Jog-Un VX virus, which eliminates duplicate files, including perfectly innocent ones, and occasionally emits soundwaves which cause pencils and other sharp objects on the computer user's desk to fly through the air, synchronised to loud, military music.

Last week, British government servers were hit by the POTUS virus, which searches users' systems for personal videos and then uploads them to the Internet, often with false or misleading descriptions.

Mr Martin said "It's a bloody dangerous world, post-Brexit. We tried warning the British electorate last year but they didn't listen."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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