Satan's New Year Address

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Thursday, 1 January 2015


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Satan Pretending to be Banksy

Last night, Satan's New Year Address 2015, held as usual in rooms beneath the House of Commons England was hugely attended. Present were all the Grand Masters of the leading Masonic Lodges worldwide, Pope Francis, the Royal Family of England, leading European politicians and, of course, The Chosen One - Barack Obama with his Bilderberg colleagues.

The rest of the 666 guests were made up of dignitaries and media magnates, bankers, corporate managers and their wives; all those who form the vast network of families who are shunted generation after generation from company directorships, foundation boards, think tanks, universities, research institutes etc to positions of government and editorial boards of all the mainstream media organisations. Most of the shakers and movers from Hollywood were also present, producers, directors, actors and musicians, including all the cast and makers of the Harry Potter series. Satan's Empire in a word.

Satan, looking remarkably like a young Christopher Walken was resplendent as usual in his tux and red velvet cloak. After toasting some of his favourite disciples he gave this address.

"Thank you, my devoted Brotherhood and friends. It was a good year. We not only created a global enemy out of thin air... we gave our invisible Frankenstein a cracking name... "Terrorism". Boo! (Laughter). And planted it in the sheeple's minds until we have no further use for it. (Pause). If the sheeple could think you might call that mind control. But we put an end to all that nonsense didn't we? (Laughter and applause).

Remember the good old days. McCarthy?.. How we miss him! Joe had more style than Edgar Hoover, although worse taste in lingerie. Not as much style as Charlton Heston though... Moses in reality never looked like that. Moses was a short, brown guy with bad teeth. But who's to know? (Laughter). But what a relief it is to have our 'enemy' back again even if their uniforms are nothing to write home about. Back to style aren't we? I still have Himmler's leather Gestapo coat in my wardrobe. The Germans had style and I am sure Pope Francis will agree with me... style convinces. Can you imagine Francis in jeans, baseball cap and sneakers giving forth from his balcony? (Laughter). Who would believe a single word he said? Would somebody give Queen Elizabeth a glass of water?

A round of applause please for another man of style.. Barack Obama who is doing a great job. (Standing ovation lasting three minutes. Jack Nicholson and Nicholas Cage acting as head waiters restore order. Satan clears his throat and resumes.) Had we not made him President he would have been the best model for Gucci watches ever born. (Laughter).

"Reds under the beds" has been successfully returned to us as "Taliban behind the divan." (Laughter). Master stroke by the way... to get the Muslims to do the beheading-on-telly routine. That put the fear of Christ into the passive observer, or what?" (Laughter and applause). I know I shouldn't swear. (Laughter). And they said the CIA were asleep. (Laughter). My watchdogs never sleep! (Applause).

Anyway, you all have your instructions before you, printed on fine parchment, the fruits of my last Bilderberg conference. We will press on with making Terrorism more real, more omnipresent and more threatening. MKULTRA servants will be busy boys in 2015 or what?. (Laughter). Mind you, those Muslim dudes do not need much goading do they? They are crazier than their mirror sheeple in the West... How on earth did they get that way? (Laughter). Who said "brainwashing"? Bite your tongue my friend. Better still... join Opus Dei. Jack,... seat Francis beside Elizabeth. Give him a slap on the back.

We began well in Boston, we will need more such atrocities. The more witnesses we have the more likely the world will believe what we tell it. We have nominated Australia as our testing ground. It will serve well as a media distraction from our real work at home.

I am happy to see too that the New World Order is getting better coverage in our press. Once upon a time it was ... excuse me...a..."conspiracy theory". (Uproarious laughter). Soon, cheerleaders will be wearing Tee-shirts with "We Love The NWO" emblazoned on them. (More laughter). By making Barack Emperor of America I believe we have broken new ground. The finishing line is now within sight when we finally take control of the planet. We will drill our troops with hymns of victory and martyrdom in case they think the war has to do with oil and world domination and all that stupid conspiracy stuff. (Laughter). They will march into battle as "soldiers of Christ". Where would we be without the Jesuits? A toast to their leader Pope Francis! I taught them everything they know.

With regards to the sheeple... we will continue to intensify their programming. As we prepare them for a religious war we must attack Christianity more viciously than we have. This will drive them into religious fanaticism in accord with our dialectical control of human destiny. We are trusting Pope Francis (applause) will hammer home the importance of the sacred creed and the sacraments to the sheeple.

When the Muslims, as directed by our moles and agents, begin to attack churches and cathedrals, just as we are attacking mosques and temples, dumb Christians will come out fighting and play right into our hands. Thus begins the war against the Muslims for which we have planned so long.

By that time, of course, the people of Europe and the West will all be clinically insane. I would accordingly urge you all to invest heavily in the drugs industry. All drugs! (Laughter).

At that point we will introduce The Wonder Chip so small and sophisticated it can be implanted directly into the amygdala at the end of a syringe. It will take away all the poor sheeple's inner conflicts, giving them a little high .... that can be renewed daily.... for a modest fee. (Laughter). Once addicted to these "renewals" (laughter)... it will be game, set and match. For the chip will allow us to control their every thought and movement. That's when we ban alcohol too, a new Prohibition, as it is bad for health. (Laughter). They will dream of being chipped and they will work and live for our drugs. A toast to the forthcoming prohibition!" (More laughter).

To this end, we must harness our media and entertainment powers. There, we have done sterling work, as you all know. Through our banks we now control the destiny of all. The credit card was my idea, by the way. (Standing ovation). Thank you. How dumb are they all going to look when we tell all those opposed to us that they have nothing left in the bank? (Laughter).

The really good news is that we have finally succeeded in sexualizing human consciousness. We can now say that just about everybody in the West over the age of twelve is a pathologically, sex crazed monkey. (Laughter). Gender confusion and freely available internet porn have helped greatly in that regard; which is why we introduced it... but we must target the prepubescents, as well as the rest. Sex is the most important thing in the sheeple's lives. Never lose sight of that. It is their Achilles High Heel. (Laughter). Sex!... the promise of it, the supply of it, the marketing of it, the hyping of it, the denial of it, is how we control the human being.

That is because, humping is the only real freedom the sheeple have left. (Laughter). In many cases, it is ALL they have left. And we must thank our friend Hugh Hefner for all his pioneering work in preparing the sheeple in this regard.

We must now begin to turn the tables by taking even that away from them. In 2015 we will release a sexually transmitted disease even more lethal than Aids. With that last freedom safely under our control they will be all ours, body and soul. You have my instructions. Simply obey. A happy new year to you all."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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