GOP Issues Fatwa Against Pope Francis

Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

image for GOP Issues Fatwa Against Pope Francis
"A communist wolf in papal robes," according to Sen. Jason M. Buchanan

WASHINGTON, DC--The Republican Party has declared a Fatwa, or legal decree, against Pope Francis for his anti-capitalist statements over the last year and a half. The Fatwa came only days after the most recent attack on the controversial Pope, when Senator Jason M. Buchanan, of Oklahoma, said of Pope Francis: "This so-called 'holy man' is just another communist wolf in papal robes!"

The Mufti who issued the Fatwa, talk show host Lush Al-Rimbaugh, said, in issuing the decree, "This is just pure Marxism coming out of the mouth of the pope."

Other Republicans from the Religious Right chimed in, with Michele Idhar Bachmann adding, "I don't know about you guys, but this Pope sounds like a communist who hates America and doesn't understand the Bible. This radical liberal talk of accepting people, not judging others and helping the poor must stop. Talk like that isn't from any form of Christianity that I've ever heard of."

Ted Hussein Cruz, who is eyeing a run for president in 2016, also attacked this "wolf in papal robes" when he explained: "He clearly doesn't understand the true meaning of Christianity. I'm not sure what kind of socialist upbringing he's had, but true Christian principles are found in taking from the poor--not giving to them. How will the poor ever better themselves if we don't make them work for it, at a very low-paying wage? We can't continue to let Obamacare corrupt the Pope, which it clearly has."

Commentator Al Abdul-Nasser Jones even went so far as to suggest, "This is clearly a false flag perpetuated by the New World Order to indoctrinate the Catholic religion with actual Christian principles instead of the ignorant, hateful, judgmental system of beliefs they've proudly shared for centuries. I blame the government. They've clearly implanted a microchip into the Pope's brain and have full control over everything he says and does."

But the learned Mufti, Lush Al-Rimbaugh, put the issue in a clearer light when he explained his Fatwa at a gathering of GOP pols and mullahs: "Look, I know Pope Francis thinks he knows something about religion, but he obviously doesn't. God and religion are tools meant to stir up fear, hate, anger and paranoia within people so they're easier to manipulate. And I'll tell you what, this hopeful demeanor this new Pope has seems very similar to that of President Obama's 2008 presidential campaign. And we all know President Obama is the anti-Christ. The last thing Americans needs is hope. Pope Francis might need to take a few classes in American Christianity before he offers any more insight because the stuff he's talking about, the Koch brothers just won't like." Al-Rimbaugh then added: "Somebody needs to shut this guy up!"

Apparently, the Republican Party has contacted North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un to help carry out the Fatwa. The Supreme Leader is rumored to have dispatched several of his agents to Rome, where Pope Francis lives in his simple communist lair in the Vatican guesthouse. Pope Benedict XVI, who resigned in 2013, is apparently ready to step into the papal shoes once again, should the Fatwa succeed. Exclaimed Benedict: "I just love those red papal shoes!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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