Sony to North Korea: "We Are your Bitch"

Written by Brett Taylor

Monday, 29 December 2014

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image for Sony to North Korea: "We Are your Bitch"
A random North Korean shows no reaction to the Interview controversy

The movie "The Interview" may have been stopped from a wide release, but American viewers are showing their full support for the film, whose release was muted due to pressure from hackers who threatened bloodshed at movie theaters due to the film's mockery of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.

Sony Studios were upset at e-mails being leaked, and quickly caved into pressure, annoying just about everyone in America from Obama on down. There is little evidence that the hackers were North Korean, or anyone other than your typical computer super-nerds. This became obvious when they sent Sony a demand for Cheetos, boxes of "Magic: The Gathering" cards, and free passes to the next "Star Wars" movie. The media, however, have continued to sell the North Korea theory, because it makes a better story.

The hackers call themselves Guardians of Peace, and they've embarassed movie executives by making public the execs' racist jokes and bitchy jibes at stars. In one e-mail Amy Pascal writes, "That Obama, I bet he likes watermelons," to which Scott Rudins, "Yeah, I bet he does." In another remark Pascal says that Angelin Jolie is "nuts," going on to speculate,"All that collagen in her lips hasleaked into her head." The lesson here might be that you shouldn't put your racist jokes and bitchy comments online, where anything can be seen, but Sony instead took the incident as an excuse to make themselves look like big old pussies. In an open letter to North Korea, the Sony execs told Kim Jong-un: "We don't want any trouble from you. Please don't pick on little old us again. We are your bitch." They sent along a photo in which they are send bending over in a pose of submission.

Since then, Sony have blamed the whole mess on theatre owners who refuse to show the film. "It's their fault," say Sony. "It's the local managers who are big bullies. We are just a little old multi-billion dollar film company/subsidary."

North Korea leaders are crowing about the whole mess. "See how easily the imperialist leaders of America cave in! We have triumph over bad comedy! You never see Seth Rogen again! Never again will you laugh at dick joke!" Rumor has it that the hackers are going to strike more movie sites and demand the removal of more comedies. We can only pray that they will call for the banning of Tyler Perry's future films.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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