Blagojevich Ignores Waiter's Recommendations, Orders Poached Salmon

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 2 January 2009

image for Blagojevich Ignores Waiter's Recommendations, Orders Poached Salmon
Server Rick di Martini found little consolation in Blagojevich's usual measly 15% gratuity

CHICAGO, IL - Server Rick di Martini, 23, is understandably upset with Rod Blagojevich, who sat in his section this Monday evening and completely ignored his suggestions, ordering "whatever the hell he wanted." Rick says, "He does this every time he eats here. He ruined my chances at winning a half-off coupon for dinner for four here at Emily's Edibles, alcohol not included." He added, "And the food here is simply to die for."

Rick has worked at Emily's Edibles, a notably popular Chicago family-style restaurant, for more than 4 years. The management of Emily's regularly holds contests to motivate the wait staff, awarding prizes to its most successful servers based on their ability to "suggestively sell" items from the Daily Feature Board, as well as "add-ons" like appetizers, desserts and alcoholic beverages. A strong contender, Rick normally finds himself at or near the top of the heap. But this time, Rod Blagojevich ruined everything.

"First, even though I told him that our fried zucchini is hand breaded and fried to a delicious golden brown, and served with your choice of bold and spicy marinara sauce or zesty ranch dip, he said he didn't care for any. In fact, the cheapskate didn't want any appetizer at all! No Gold Margarita to start off with. No Apple Martini. And when I told him about our feature for the night, Beef Tips and Rice, he said, 'No, but thanks. I believe I'll have the Poached Salmon with Broccoli Florets instead!' Bah!"

Rick said Blagojevich sat there the whole meal with this smug, self-satisfied look on his face, enjoying every last bite of his meal. Blagojevich then finished by ordering a slice of cheesecake instead of the featured dessert of the day, Triple Fudge Cake drizzled with a warm caramel sauce, every bite of which is practically guaranteed to melt in your mouth. "When he ordered that cheesecake, I was like, 'Boring!' I knew right then that Stephanie [Morris] was going to win the dinner-for-four prize. Alcohol not included."

Disgusted with Blagojevich, Rick initially considered overruling Blagojevich's inconvenient choices. Upon venting his frustations with the manager on duty, however, Rick's denial faded into gradual acceptance that Blagojevich was indeed allowed to order whatever he wanted. As predicted, Stephanie won the prized coupon.

Rick found little consolation in the fact that he had won two half price regular popcorns with the purchase of two tickets to any movie at Starlight Cinema just two days earlier, or that Blagojevich left his usual measly 15% gratuity. "Sometimes," complained Rick, "this is such a thankless job."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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