Terrorism Alert Hits Earnings at Walgreens [WAG] after CNN's Beck Comments

Funny story written by TheOneLaw

Sunday, 18 November 2007

Walgreens will be warning investors of a sizable continuing write-off to be charged against this quarter's earnings to urgently implement a counter-terrorism surveillance system into its 6059 stores nationwide.

Already reeling under 61 million losses in facing a continuing stream of claims for wrongful deaths due to faulty medications, this new expense is expected to impact earnings by up to an additional 4%. The counter-terrorism system is required to counter the threats of terrorists shopping at Walgreens for their weapons. This arose due to previous threats by Glenn Beck of CNN on November 12 when he labeled a large swath of the American consumer public as suspected potential terrorists which may require military intervention.

The system Walgreens is implementing requires 24hour surveillance of their non-prescription drugs as well as all household cleaning agents. Purchasers will be monitored at each store by undercover plainclothes law enforcement armed with tasers to apprehend any suspicious people caught purchasing unusual combinations of goods or purchasing goods at unusual hours of the night. The expense appears to mostly involve the cost of hiring off-duty law enforcement personnel on a 24x7 basis. The necessity for expanding their current video surveillance is reported to be minimal and will only require additional recording archives, not a substantial cost compared to the insurance and liability issues that will accompany the additional personnel at each outlet. The statement by Glenn Beck implicating the nearly seven million supporters of Ron Paul in his campaign for the Presidency has not been retracted and Walgreens silence on the issue has store managers uneasy about what Beck has done.

For background on this story see
Walgreens Markets Terrorist Kits on CNN's Glenn Beck

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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