Giuliani to Pick Up Key Endorsement from Death

Funny story written by Seer

Sunday, 10 June 2007

image for Giuliani to Pick Up Key Endorsement from Death
Grim Reaper

The Seventh Circle of Hell Action News Reports- Rumors have begun to circulate that Death will reverse his tradition of supporting Democratic candidates and will in fact be endorsing Rudy Giuliani in his bid for the White House. Death was not available for official comment, but insiders within DeathCorp have indicated that he is strongly leaning towards endorsing Giuliani.

"His strong pushes for expanding the Global War on Terror have really impressed us," an unnamed source close to Death told SCOH Action News. "We really like what he's been advocating, whether it's pre-emptive nuclear war or continuing the current administration's strategy for Iraq."

"We've been struggling for a long time with certain demographics in the death business. If he's willing to keep the surge going no matter what, then we feel that will help us continue to make headway in the American soldier section of the market. We're also pleased with how his policies will expand the Muslim civilian sector. We thought we had hit a roof, but a nuclear strike is a great plan for expansion! Don't forget the inevitable blowback will help us see spikes in American civilians as well. We've never been so optimistic about the possibility of nuclear war."

Over the past decades, Death has traditionally endorsed Democrats. He indicated strong favor for their ability to link words such as "bombing campaigns" with "humanitarian" in garnering support for various US operations under former President Clinton. Death is also unabashedly pro-choice.

"That's definitely helping him pull in the endorsement," remarked an unnamed campaigner within the Giuliani camp. "I don't think that without the abortion issue we could have clinched it."

Death has been increasingly more optimistic about George W. Bush's ability to help the death industry, despite his endorsements of both Al Gore and John Kerry. In a 2005 interview he indicated that at the time he didn't think Iraq could possibly deteriorate enough to be worth an endorsement. However, Death has grown increasingly optimistic about the war and is on the record saying, "I can't remember the last time we were able to serve so many American soldiers!"

Skeptics claim that this endorsement does not come as a result of Giuliani's potential aid to the death industry, but is an economic decision to stifle competition.

"DeathCorp is going to be the new Halliburton," said a senior member of the political affairs division of Assisted Suicide Ltd. "Giuliani talks like a free market guy, but he's going to give lucrative no-bid contracts to these guys at DeathCorp. They're endorsing the GOP candidate because they know a Democrat will help both our businesses without playing favorites. They're simply afraid to compete."

Meanwhile, many political commentators are indicating that this leads Giuliani to an interesting political position: where he had previously said to New Hampshire voters "Live Free or Die" it seems that with this kind of endorsement he'll soon be able to drop living free from his platform and tell voters simply "Die", which has long been his eventual goal for the platform.

In unrelated news, Ron Paul has delivered three more babies while giving a speech on monetary policy, foreign intervention and abolishing the IRS.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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