BILLINGSGATE POST: Syndicated by over 100 newspapers, this popular feature appears infrequently due to security restrictions that govern such items. Questions that only Dr. Billingsgate would dare to answer are given priority:
Dear Dr. Billingsgate: I am a near-widow living the dream in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska. Recently, my husband was administered the last rites by our parish priest, who incidentally, happens to be Black. I understood that once you receive these rites that you are basically toast, and that the odds of surviving Extreme Unction have been rated by Jimmy the Greek as off the chart. In other words, the bookies will not take the bet.
Here’s my problem: Against all odds, my husband survived. But in anticipation of my husband’s imminent demise, I had promised to have tea with a local farmer who has been sniffing around me for years. Elmer and I met for tea, and one thing led to another. As you might imagine, my husband is not happy about this.
What should I do?
Dear Near Widow,
First of all, I don’t understand why your husband is upset. He’s still alive and you’re not his problem anymore.
But to the point: I’m not an expert on Church Dogma. But it is my understanding that your husband may have been snookered in thinking he was being administered the last rites, but due to a medical malfunction, was actually administered “penultimate rites.” The fact that a Black priest performed this suggests that you and your husband may have been victimized by a Nigerian fraud scam.
Thank goodness, this is a manageable problem. Under Church Law, you can be forgiven by the principle of “invincible ignorance.” This covers your ass, basically because you’re too ignorant to know the difference between right and wrong. Your husband is covered, too. According to the bylaws of Notary Sojac, he is still epistemologically eligible for the last rites, recognized as the “Quasimodo Exemption” by the Council of Trent in 1565.
Dr. Slim: “What a win-win solution for all.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. What about poor Elmer? He’s stuck with the near widow.”
