BILLINGSGATE POST: Due to the critical acclaim the previous “Ask Dr. Billingsgate” feature received, including mention of a possible Pulitzer Prize, this feature will be continued in today’s edition of the BILLINGSGATE POST.
Dear Dr. Billingsgate,
My husband, Elmer, thinks it’s funny when he farts and then yells, “Bad Dog!” at our little Maltese, Corky. I should have known better than to have married him. When we were dating, he would ask me to pull his finger, and then he would rip off a long popcorn fart and then laugh hilariously at me for falling for his little joke. I was afraid he would do this at our wedding when we exchanged rings.
I am worried about Elmer. Corky recently passed away, and now Elmer has no one to blame when he farts. He just looks around for Corky, who ain’t there anymore. Do you believe he is an existential threat?
Milada Smuckmeister
Dear Milada,
Luckily for you, I have PhD’s in both Flatulentology and Marriage Counseling. Believe me, your story is not unique. In fact, the legendary Quasimodo was said to have reeled off some dandies while ringing the bell at Notre-Dame in Paris, completely irritating the Vicar.
The last thing you should do is point your finger at him. That will only bring back his adolescent behavior. As far as being an existential threat, it might be that he is too tense. If he keeps mumbling “TeePee, Wigwam…TeePee, Wigwam” - that might indicate he is two (tents) and needs help.
Respectfully,
Dr. Billingsgate
Dr. Slim: “Magic words from a magic Doctor.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Pass me the mushrooms. I want to join the fun.”
