FIDDLESTICK, Texas - (Satire News) - Meet Kate Flintmaker, a proud Texan from the bustling metropolis of Fiddlestick, Texas [Pop: 2,902].
Kate's family includes her mom Starlette Jo, dad Nolan Bob, and an army of 7,473 head of Black Angus cattle on their 19,000-acre ranch, named after the infamous La Chupacabra.
As a young'un, Kate mastered cattle-roping by age 4, and by 13, she was already riding ginormous Brahman bulls that could crush a pickup truck.
In high school, she was as skilled a horse rider as any "Bubba" (guy) at Davy Crockett High School, and let's just say she had a face that could make a cowpoke blush!
Her senior year, Kate was crowned "The Queen of The Panhandle Sorghum Biscuit Festival," where she wowed the crowd with her cowgirl charms.
Kate dated the high school quarterback Ty Gardengrill for two months, but broke up with him after he and the team field goal kicker Rico Santa Rica robbed a bank with a toy gun and got away with $287.15.
At her granny's insistence, Kate ran for mayor of Fiddlestick against the questionable Wallace "Bubba" Bannkowski, who'd been caught smuggling monkeys into Massachusetts.
Kate easily won the election by a landslide, with a whopping 974 votes to Bubba's 3 (we're not sure who those 3 voters were, but they must have been bananas!)
SIDENOTE: According to the town's only doctor, Dr. Jericho "Fingers" Berra, Kate's got a tattoo of a smiling cactus on her bikini line. At least, that's what he says it looked like.
