Uvalde Appoints Merrick Garland As Police Chief; Exceptional Record Of Doing Nothing Cited

Funny story written by amey-shetye

Sunday, 7 August 2022

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Merrick Garland, former Attorney General of the US, was appointed as the chief for the embattled Uvalde police force, city officials announced on Friday.

The acting police chief was suspended last week after scathing findings from the investigation of the blundering police response to the May 24th school massacre that left 21 killed. Merrick Garland, who was fired last month from his post at the Department of Justice, will start effective next Wednesday.

City Manager Kevin Wood said the following in a statement, “The investigation by the special panel is ramping up and 400 of our officers might be culpable for their lack of action. Given Mr. Garland’s outstanding record of not following through with indictments despite massive evidence of wrongdoing, we believe he’d be a great fit. We were looking for someone who will let things slide and go easy on our officers. We were considering Bill Barr, the ‘cover-up General’, but given the amount of footage captured of our shambolic, chaotic, systemic failure that day, we need someone who will sit on all evidence and do nothing, rather than attempt a cover-up.”

“After having tarnished the reputation of the US Justice Department by not pursuing prosecutions and failing to defend democracy at a national level, I’m happy to bring the same blind-eyed inaction due to fears of appearing political, to the city of Uvalde starting next week,” said Merrick Garland in a statement.

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