It’s been a bad few days for former President Donald Trump. His “major announcement” turned out to be the release of some nerdish cards showing his face stitched onto the bodies of astronauts, superheroes and cowboys. An appeal court ruled that he shouldn’t have a special counsel to vet the documents he pilfered from the White House. Another court ruled that his tax returns should be disclosed. And the House of Representatives has recommended he be prosecuted for various criminal offences including insurrection.
It seems that his old taunt of “Lock ‘em up” delivered to his 2016 opponent Hillary Clinton in the Presidential election might just come back and bite him in the ass. But Donald’s got a plan for that, too.
Apparently, the former POTUS has been watching prison dramas like the Shawshank Redemption, in which some new inmate gets sexually molested by other prisoners. While the Trumpster may be neither young nor pretty, there’s a rumor at Rikers Island that prisoners are betting on who will be the first to dance the fandango with the billionaire businessman. Senior GOP aides and Trump advisors have apparently ordered a special chastity belt to protect their leader while he is behind bars.
“It’s an easy to imagine scenario”, said his former attorney and one-time Mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani. “President Trump is made to share a cell with an enormous, bearded prisoner called Mongo who decides he wants to plough the President’s furrow. However, thanks to a stainless steel chastity belt, the President’s furrow will remain unploughed.”
Chastity belts were commonly used in medieval Europe, by knights who fitted them on their wives’ bodies to ensure they remained faithful when the knights were fighting foreign wars. Leslie Nielson’s Frank Drebbin also used a chastity belt in prison in Naked Gun 33 1/3.
Of course, a chastity belt won't protect Trump from getting the bejesus beaten out of him by other prisoners.
