Stephen Colbert said that Ted Cruz looked like a werewolf who got frozen in mid-change. I like jokes as much as the next werewolf, but this is going too far!
Yes, Mr. Colbert, you have let the wolf out of the bag by revealing who Ted Cruz really is. Wanna know why he goes to Cancun so much?
A tour guide this reporter met on the beaches of Mexico revealed that when Ted leaves the borders of America, he begins to change. All of his Hispanic roots rise to the surface of his skin to push out all the facial and body hair he has trapped in his genes.
He becomes Raphael Cruz, the Cuban Carnivore! [Cue wolf howl]
(Sounds like a Mexican wrestler, but that’s what Teddy wants you to think!)
Stalking the night streets of Cancun, the Cruz werewolf stalks his victims, trying to brainwash them into thinking Donald Trump is a werewolf god, giving them MAGA hats, and whispering into their ears, “If you come to America and jump the wall, we will eat you!’ [Cue wolf howl]
He is a pure beast, a savage, running into farms at night to steal and eat chickens and llamas and whatever his bloodthirsty lust can feed into his bloody gaping maw.
If you’re in Mexico – or even America, where his beard desperately tries to grow out of control, and which he needs to shave back approximately every hour on the hour [Cue wolf howl] – beware of the Cruz Werewolf, the Raphael Shape-shifter, Teddy the Lycan!
After he eats those chickens, watch out that he doesn’t come after you and your peace-loving, pro-abortion, love everybody hippie message to the world. No one likes hippies – especially not Republican werewolves. With one bite, the Cruz Wolf can turn them all into those like himself.
With the world overrun by right-wing werewolves … where can the sheep freely graze? With Jesus? No sir – that’s where the wolves head first to find fresh meat! Jesus loves sheep since he too is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Werewolves bite to create more werewolves … Werewolf Jesus once bit Raphael, and the rest is fascist history.
At the next full moon, run from the Cuban Carnivore … run for your life!
[Cue wolf howl]
