WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - A very reputable west coast magazine has just named Ted "Dracula" Cruz and Josh "Scaredy Cat" Hawley as co-winners of their annual "Limp Wristed, Spineless Punk Award."
The Left Coast Mirror Magazine has picked the two wimpy, pussy-whipped jellyfish because neither one has any male hormones to speak of, and in fact, Teddy's doctor recently told him that he would make an excellent candidate for SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery.)
Cruz reportedly told his doctor that he liked the idea, but added that he would have to talk it over with his wife, his two semi-cute daughters, his very masculine Aunt Connie, and one of the cute interns in his office, Wing Chow Ching.
Meanwhile Josh "Pussy Boy" Hawley keeps insisting that he was not running like a crazed cheetah on the day of Jan. 6, because he was afraid of getting his pink ass shot by the Proud Boys, the Oath Keepers, or the Ku Klux Klan, but he was merely running to the bathroom because he had a horrible case of the "Runs" (no pun intended).
Left Coast Mirror Magazine writer, Tequila Tallyhoo recently spoke to Teddy Cruz at a Burger Bandit Restaurant in El Segundo, California.
The man who many say looks exactly like Eddie Munster from the old sitcom "The Addams Family" confided to her that after having a very personal, intimate talk with the head of Brooklyn's Goombalini Crime Family (Salvatore Goombalini) he has seen the light, and he is going to work on NOT being so damn arrogant, sarcastic, mean, cruel, and self (fucking) righteous. ■
