Washington, D. C. Special to The Spoof. Under a law designed to reduce methane emissions from power plants and autos, an elderly The Spoof writer was arrested today, charged by the Environmental Protection Agency with excessive human methane emissions. The as yet unidentified Spoofer posted bail and was released without issuing a statement,
An EPA statement explained the unusual arrest. "While much discussion has centered on reducing the methane from cattle, particularly milk cows, EPA recognizes that the 8 billion people living on this planet produce almost as much methane into the atmosphere as the one billion cattle, yet nothing has been done to reduce this cause of global warming, The problem is especially noticeable among so-called 'Old Farts," such as The Spoof writer. Nearly every time they rise from a sitting position there is the sound of a gaseous emission, mostly methane. That has to stop."
Though he refused to give his name, the "Old Fart" told a The Spoof reporter that at 92 he ought to be exempt from such laws. Actually, he isn't 92, but since he is within six months of his next birthday he insists on saying that he is "going on 92." He thought that exaggerating his age might win him some public support.
EPA produced evidence that human methane emissions during 2021, though down slightly from the previous year because of the pandemic, equaled, in the U. S. alone, the pollution emitted by half the coal-fueled power plants.
Global Warming alarmist Al Gore reportedly has crafted a law that would confine those over 80 to assisted living facilities that would capture and neutralize the methane emitted by their patients. Certain religious groups are expected to object on constitutional grounds.
