Shania Twain Album Replaces Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay

Funny story written by DJ_Beef_Crisps

Thursday, 8 April 2021

image for Shania Twain Album Replaces Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay
So, you got a flag? That don't impress me much.

Human rights activists have expressed surprise and dismay following a disclosure that the CIA have replaced waterboarding as the primary torture technique at Guantanamo bay with methods that have been described as "a new low for humanity".

Interrogators have discovered, in controlled tests, that subjecting captives to the 1999 Shania Twain album "Come On Over" can typically break the most determined terror suspects within around 2-3 cycles.

The CIA have observed that Shania's call of "Let's Go Girls", which introduces her hit single "Man, I feel Like a Woman" can induce feelings of paranoia, dread, dismay, embarrassment, and panic in most subjects. Other effects observed include a temporary loss of sight, disorientation, and intense cramps at around the two minute mark of the song, where Shania sings about forgetting that she's a lady.

A single play of That Don't Impress Me Much has been observed to break most prisoners within the first two minutes, such is its efficacy as a method of torture. These effects can be accelerated if a trained Interrogator clicks his fingers on the down-beat.

An insider explained: "Whilst the interrogator and suspect are both fed audio through headphones, only the suspect is subjected to Shania's music. The Interrogator is fed a simple metronome which is synchronised to the music. This protects the interrogator from the highly detrimental effects of the music. The sight of someone else seemingly enjoying the music has been highly effective in extracting intelligence which previously would have required several rounds of waterboarding".

The CIA have speculated that, had these methods been discovered sooner, they could have prevented 9/11.

The revelations have added credence to the theory that Twain has regularly played a key role in the CIA's PsyOps team. Shania Twain's estate declined to comment on this article.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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