In a major national security breakthrough, the CIA has determined the real identify of "Q". According to various sources, the spy agency used advanced algorithms to track down the source of wild and insane conspiracies--including the incredibly stupid lie that Trump is secretly fighting a cabal of satanic pedophiles inside the government, the media and Hollywood elites.
"We used sleuth investigative techniques, but the real break came from a tip," said CIA Director, Porter Goss. Crime fighting takes community support, and not surprisingly the mysterious "Q" was unmasked by Shiv Aalok, a tipster vacationing in Maunabo, Puerto Rico.
During a Zoom interview, Shiv Aalok acknowledged his role. As many will remember, Shiv is the same taxi driver who discovered President Trump's missing tax returns in the back of his Uber in 2017.
According to Shiv, "I came to Maunabo for sun and fun, and was drinking Puerto Rican rum in the plaza with some local drunks. I noticed they all drink Don "Q" rum. So I asked, who is Don "Q"? The drunks said Don "Q" is the competitor to Bacardi, and was losing a lot of money, so, to drum up business, he began putting stupid rumors on bottles that could be read only after the bottle was empty. The gimmick worked, and now, after finishing a half-gallon, we spread those insane rumors to people who have good intentions from this plaza all over the world! Quite honestly, it's not difficult to fool well-meaning people some of the time."