MAR-A-LAGO, Florida – (Satire News) – Followers of the ex-first daughter Ivanka Trump, say that the 6-foot-2-inch human giraffe has been trying to keep a low profile since her daddy got his ass kicked by President Joe Biden.
The fake blonde has even been seen out in public trying to disguise herself by wearing an auburn-colored wig, shorts that are three sizes too large, barefoot, and wearing an Elect Joe Biden in 2020 sweatshirt.
Ivanka, or Ivy, as her soon-to-be-incarcerated biological father calls her, confided to her pedicurist that she recently got the scare of her 39-year-old life.
The pedicurist, who would only give her last name, Ninchinmeister, said that Trump recently went to a local Walgreens pharmacy to get some birth control pills, and the pharmacist told her she looked haggard-as-hell.
Ivanka, immediately made an appointment with her gynecologist, who ran a bunch of tests. He said that 17 of the 18 tests came out negative, but one showed that she may have Vagatintafucitis.
Ivanka asked her doctor what the hell that was. He told her that VagaVaga, is a disease that was first discovered in Mobile, Alabama, back in the early 60s.
It is an STD, and can be caught in one of two ways, either from sitting on a damp toilet seat, or by having what is referred to as Numerical Oralsucawacus, or that number between 68 and 70.
Ivanka was so shocked, that she fainted in front of the suppository aisle.
She was given mouth-to-mouth by a fellow customer, who swore she knew CPR, IOU, and IUD.
Ivanka was driven home by the Walgreen’s custodian, since everyone else in the store was busy.
Four days later, the Walgreen’s pharmacist called her, and said that she was fine, and that her reading had somehow gotten mixed up with that of a local female streetwalker named Ivonda Trampi.