PISCATAWAY, New Jersey – (Satire News) – iRumors has stated that the President’s favorite child, Ivanka, has been forced into rehab.
Ivanka's husband, the sissified, Jared Kushner, told iRumors that he had to forcibly carry the 6-foot-tall, middleaged Barbie into the Lindsay Lohan Rehab Center.
Jared, who is physically weaker than 72% of all American women, said that he actually had to have her two brothers and Kimberly Guilfoyle help him carry Ivanka into the building, as she was kicking and screaming, “Hey, bitches, I’m Ivanka Trump, I’m going to be the next fucking president of the United States of Trump!”
Her husband revealed that, since her daddy lost the presidential election fair and square, the woman that Nancy Pelosi calls the human giraffe has just not been the same.
Jar Jar, as Melania calls Kushner, noted that, for example, Ivanka has now gone down from 3 to 1 orgasms per sexual session.
He also revealed that she has stopped getting her bi-weekly bikini wax, and she has started smoking Cohiba Siglo VI cigars, and drinking a fifth of Johnnie Walker Red daily.
But the thing that really got Jared extremely concerned, was when one day while they were having dinner, she looked him in the eye and said that, if she wasn’t married to him, she would want to be married to Rudy Giuliani.
The next morning, Jared called Eric, Don Jr., and Kimberly to have an Ivanka intervention.
