In a move that will warm the very cockles of the heart of every single reader, as well as countless millions of his own supporters who just knew this day must come, President Donald Trump has decided to pardon all the children being held in cages along the US/Mexico border.
The traumatized children, who have never once stopped crying since they were wrenched from the arms of their sobbing mothers, and who have been fed on bread and water for months, have committed no crimes, but examples had to be made, so that other Mexicans might have thought twice before trying to cross the border into the US.
Everybody 'understands' that.
Now, however, Trump has finally decided to show his true humanitarian side, and to bestow official pardons on the tots, exonerating them from all suggestions of any wrongdoing.
This morning he tweeted that he knew it wasn't the fault of the brats that they'd ended up at the border, but, rather, that of their filthy, scummy criminal parents who had dragged them wailing by the scruff of their necks across Mexico from their hell-like shitholes in an attempt to steal what rightfully belonged to upright and law-abiding Americans.
In view of this, he said, he thought it unAmerican to hold them responsible for their family's actions, and he hoped that the paperwork to pardon the children - and, perhaps even, reunite them with their parents - could be rushed along before he handed over the presidency to Mr. Biden in January.
