Newsom rushed to brain trauma unit following confrontation with computer assistant

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Friday, 20 November 2020

image for Newsom rushed to brain trauma unit following confrontation with computer assistant
"Think of it! Without computers we would be totally helpless!"

Directly following his recent embarrassment at being caught at a dinner for twelve with no masks, and no social distancing, California's Governor Newsom is again in trouble.

Additionally, the Governor's claim of the restaurant's setting as “outdoor” was actually an indoor patio with sliding door to exterior air.

Plus the door had to be closed due to “noise” from the Governor's table.

And now Mr. Newsom is in isolation for a problem of brain “throbbing” and a slight hysteria.

Causes of the problem stem from an unlikely source.

The Governor's computer has an assistant named “Priscilla,” similar to Google's Alexa.

According to transcripts, the issue is the Governor's current decision to again lock down 94% of California's counties.

Review of the Governor's System:

Counties are designated as colors purple, red, orange, and yellow, according to number of cases per 100,000 in a particular county.

Purple is designated the most dangerous at more than 7 new cases daily; red at 4-7 new cases; orange 1 – 3.9 cases; yellow at less than 1 case.

In Mendocino County, as one example, Tier Designation has switched from purple to red and back to purple in the past three weeks.

Restaurants and bars are experiencing a yo-yo effect of whether customers are allowed in or out, without regard for exterior weather, which is now chilly with downpours.

These conditions have prompted “Priscilla” to do some worrying (transcript from anonymous source).

“Now, Priss, er er I hope this is not . . . I mean look at my position . . .”

“Indications are, sir, that the Color Algorithms you've been using come from gambling casinos in the region.”

“Surely, Priss, we can't be gambling with people's businesses and their lives the way we try to predict failure at the slot machines!”

“Oh, yes, we can, and that's what we're doing! It's all gambling since we do not KNOW what the meaning of a puny eight cases is per day, and whether they're serious or what.”

“You mean eight per day, whether serious or not, er er should maybe NOT represent 100,000 people?!”

“Si, senor.”

“Oh my God, I feel another apology coming on!”

“This is no way to run a lockdown steamroller, Governor.”

At this point, Mr. Newsom's brain thizzed and throbbed, and he was rushed to the brain trauma unit.

Cold towels for the forehead, and a nurse to hold his hand have been prescribed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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