Burglars, petty thieves, filchers and citizens generally accustomed to purloining for a living have had enough. They are to strike as of next Tuesday.
"It's getting ridiculous", said Bob Loot, Chairman of the League of Crooks and Pilferers, "people are just not leaving their homes. You never know who might suddenly turn up in the living room. I mean, we keep police, detectives, forensic staff, psychologists and even glaziers and locksmiths in work and repair jobs. We are an essential, system-relevant trade. But we're simply being locked out. All of us voted for Johnson last time 'cos of his scheming bent, he's one of us, but next time, no way!"
The Pickpockets Union is to join ranks with the thieves. Its General Secretary, Warren Larceny explained, "Pickpocketing with a face mask is almost impossible. The mask obstructs a clear view of any wallet or purse to be removed. And of course many of us wear glasses which then steam up during our work. The lockdown and other measures are more than an occupational hazard, they threaten our very existence. Fortunately with the furlough system we'll be getting some return. Documents fraudsters are helping us wherever they can. So obviously there is a Hermes, a god of thieves, out there, looking after us."
"In the end, we all have to beg, steal or borrow, even the government", continued Larceny, "but at present they're making it very hard for us.
Larceny confirmed that no actual demonstration would be taking place, but could not rule out excessive shoplifting in the run-up to Christmas should Parliament turn a deaf ear.