Portland Protesters Tear Down Statues of Thomas Jefferson, Paul Revere, and Sacajawea

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 13 October 2020

image for Portland Protesters Tear Down Statues of Thomas Jefferson, Paul Revere, and Sacajawea
A statue of Lewis & Clark's beautiful Shoshoni Indian maiden guide, Sacajawea.

PORTLAND, Oregon – (Satire News) – A group of protesters calling themselves the Anti-Trump Soldiers of Saturn have destroyed several statues in downtown Portland.

The Portland Police Department reported that the group of angry individuals toppled over statues of President Thomas Jefferson, Paul “The British Are Coming” Revere, and the guide/girlfriend of explorers Lewis & Clark, Sacajawea.

The crowd said that they hated Jefferson because he owned 602 slaves, and he hated slave music. They added that they demand that the U.S. nickel with his likeness be banned.

They noted that they destroyed the statue of Paul Revere because of his anti-abortion stance.

One of the protest organizers, Yusef Sycamorelly, sheepishly said they did not really mean to destroy the statue of the Inidian maiden Sacajawea, who allegedly was involved in a menage-a-trois with Lewis & Clark.

Sycamorelly explained that they mistakenly thought it was a statue of the extremely hateful Fox News host judge, Jeanine Pirro.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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