SAN FRANCISCO – (Satire News) - The National Department of Forestry has just issued a mandate that, effective immediately, the inconsiderate practice of having gender reveal parties outside using fireworks will be prohibited.
The Pismo Beach Purporter-Chronicle newspaper is reporting that, in just the last week, 14 wildfires have been started by dumb, careless people who just can’t seem to tell their relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors that they’re having a boy or a girl without turning it into a big Las Vegas-type production.
Veteran newspaper reporter Nancy Butterfinger wrote, “For goodness sakes, when the hell did people turn the 'It’s a boy' or 'it’s a girl' thing into a damn carnival atmosphere event?"
She went on to say that studies have shown that a vast majority of the people would be perfectly fine with just being told in person, or through a text, or through a phone call that Jack and Jill are having a little Jack or a little Jill.
The three states that are implementing the ban are California, Oregon, and Washington; with New Mexico still on the fence, or on the wall actually.
A lifelong resident of Oregon, Brutus Pickle, Jr., 89, commented that he is sick at seeing his beautiful state turning into a bunch of charcoal briquettes.
The governor of California has said that the next couple who violate the new non-gender reveal party mandate will both be arrested and sentenced to 7 months in jail without water, Cheetos, or crossword puzzles.