BILLINGSGATE POST: It had to happen to Joe Biden sooner or later. No matter how fastidious he might be, if you have a penchant for sniffing hair, someday an alarming and somewhat disgusting thing will happen to you.
After coming out of his basement, former Vice President Biden sat down with “The View” for his first extended interview since announcing his run for president. After being welcomed with open arms by the all-female panel, Biden started to retch convulsively for a moment or two, and spit up what appeared to be a damp clump. Actually, what he disgorged was a trichobezoar - a wad of of undigested hair that is commonly referred to as a hairball.
Immediately - and without explanation - the show cut to a commercial break as Whoopi Goldberg lost her lunch.
“ WTF was that?” asked Joy Behar.
Regurgitated hairballs are variable in size; though usually about an inch long, they can be as long as five inches, and an inch thick. The color is mainly that of the sniffee’s hair, somewhat darkened by the color of the sniffer’s last meal and various other gastric secretions, such as green bile. The ejected matter will typically have an unpleasant but tolerable odor.
Hairballs are the unsavory by-product of a prevert’s attraction to a woman’s hair. As your prevert sniffs the sniffee’s hairdo, he ingests a lot of loose hair. This happens because the tiny backward-slanted projections (papillae) that roughen the surface of the tongue propel the hair down the throat and into the stomach. Unfortunately, the main structural component of the hair — a tough, insoluble protein substance called keratin — is indigestible. While most of the swallowed hair eventually passes through the digestive tract and gets excreted intact in the feces, some of it remains in the stomach, and gradually accumulates into a damp clump — the hairball.
Although laxatives may be effective in enabling passage of a stubborn hairball, Dr. Billingsgate strongly advises hair sniffers never to take a laxative without the approval and supervision of a physician. The same advice applies to the use of commercial diets that claim to be effective in preventing or relieving such an incident.
Slim: “You are who you eat.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I think you should become a vegan.”
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