WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - RNC moderators Diamond and Silk have just announced the main speakers for the opening night of President Donald Trump’s presidential convention.
Diamond said that 70s TV star Scott Baio will speak about how the President is the most religious man he has ever known.
USA Today reports that Trump said that, every Sunday, he, Melania, Barron, and Ivanka attend the Unipisaterian Church.
The First Lady will speak about how supportive her husband has been regarding her “Be Best” anti-bullying program.
Melania will say that her husband is the most misunderstood man in America, and that he is the least bullying of any bully in the entire country, including Puerto Rico.
And the most famous White House intern in history, Monica Lewinsky, who is now 47, will remind everyone that, over 20 years ago, she had an affair with President Bill Clinton, even though he contends that he did not have an affair with her.
Co-Moderator Silk stated that the first night will close with the President's favorite band, The Trumpapalooza Ass Kickin’ Band, who will play his favorite song “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by the Rolling Stones.