Monkey Mayhem: Revisiting A Birthday Party Gone Bad

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Monday, 29 June 2020

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BILLINGSGATE POST: Over 15 years have passed since a couple were viciously attacked by two chimps while celebrating the 39th birthday of their son, Moe, in a California animal sanctuary. It is not a pretty story, but worth revisiting.

By all accounts, St. James Davis and his wife, LaDonna, loved Moe like a son. Like most parents, they taught him all the normal things that children need to know. According to the Los Angeles Times, they potty-trained him, taught him how to dress himself, and how to take a shower. On the surface, not an unusual upbringing. The first inkling that Moe was different from other little boys was in 1998 when he bit a policeman. Then, in 1999, he bit off a women's finger, and was moved to a sanctuary for rehabilitation - wisely, because he was made aware that his next offense could put him away for life under California's dreaded Three Strikes Law - he cleaned up his act.

Alas, this beautiful birthday party was interrupted before Moe could blow out the candles. Two very bad dude chimps, Buddy and Ollie, attacked Mr. Davis, who sustained horrific injuries. He had part of his face ripped off, losing his nose, lips and right eye. He also lost all of his fingers and part of his right foot and right hand. Showing at least some chivalry, they only chomped off LaDonna's left thumb.

During the attack, Mr. Davis tried to reason with the belligerent chimps, but they didn't listen. Even though he asked, "Can't we all just get along?", Buddy and Ollie just kept on their chomping rampage, not stopping until shot to death by a sanctuary guard.

Despite the mauling, Ms. Davis still believes in the goodness of chimps, saying that she will keep loving chimpanzees. "You can't discriminate. We don't know about their background or childhood," she said. The couple's attorney called the chimp attack "ironic" because of the Davises' love for the animals.

Moe, although he did nothing to protect his parents, played no part in the attack, and was not charged. This is a true story. Only Moe's name was changed to protect his rights as a chimpanzee.

Slim: “If this happened to me, I would not be so magnanimous.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Gives all chimps a bad name.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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