Mom single-handedly keeping landline phones in existence

Written by Adam J. Hushin

Monday, 29 June 2020

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New research reveals shocking information about landline telephone usage.

According to new data, Mom is single-handedly keeping landline phones in existence.

Research findings published by Johns Hopkins University have revealed that 100 percent of worldwide landline telephone usage is conducted by your mom.

“Most of us knew that landline telephones wouldn’t still exist if it weren’t for her,” Dr. Caroline Judson, a researcher on the study, said. “I don’t think anyone expected it to be 100 percent.”

Judson was part of a team of researchers that collected months of telephone data from over 170 countries. Their findings included an in-depth breakdown of which calls accounted for the highest percentage of landline usage.

A little less than four percent of worldwide telephone usage came from automated appointment reminders from your mom’s dentist and various doctors’ offices. Just under 11 percent was a result of telemarketers.

A whopping 68 percent of all home phone usage in the entire world came from conversations between your mom and her sister in Florida. Judson and her team found that some of these conversations lasted almost three hours.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Judson said. “Similar studies show that a phone conversation lasting more than 15 minutes is a nightmare for the average person.”

Judson went further to explain the dangers these shocking numbers could cause.

“Our research found an increase in repeating sentences and ideas, hearing difficulties and a loss of awareness of one’s surroundings,” Judson said.

She added that one of the largest reasons for concern was that the majority of dialogue conducted during these landline phone conversations were simply different-toned moans to convey a wide array of emotions, primarily to express concern or empathy. These noises can be heard from every room in the house, and are almost never justified.

The remaining percentage of worldwide landline usage comes from old acquaintances just checking in. While this used to be a common practice, everyone except for your mom now does this with a text or a message on Facebook. Your mom does not have Facebook.

Mom only picks up these “check-in” calls roughly one out of every 10 times. Often, she falsely claims that she will call them back later.

“Sometimes some random person I’ve never heard of before will call, and she’ll tell me to pick it up,” her son, Aiden, said. “She usually tells me some story of how I’m supposed to know the person calling, but I never do, and I would never pick up.”

Researchers are still trying to work out if there is any solution to this issue, but many are starting to have their doubts.

“I just think she definitely would’ve stopped using it by now,” Judson said about the home phone. “On the bright side, this is a tremendous opportunity to study one of the world’s rarest forms of communication. My team and I are very lucky.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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