Telemarketers Condemned to Fate Worse than Hell at Anti-Robocall Convention

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Friday, 3 May 2019

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The Federal Communications Commission has failed us

Washington, D. C. The First International Anti-Robocall/Anti-Telemarketer Convention convened here this morning, opening with a rousing prayer, below, given by a minister ordained via email by the Internet Gospel church.


"Dear Lord. Since the Federal Communications Commission and its "Do Not Call" list [a chorus of boos from the entire audience] have failed us, may all robocallers and telemarketers, [a large number of hisses from those present] especially those telemarketers who use automated dialing, [scattered shouts of 'Amen'] be made prisoners of Isis, [a large number of Hallelujahs] held in cages where they are the subject of our jeers and the targets of our spit, [great supportive response from assemblage] and forced to answer endless automated phone calls continuously, day and night, throughout eternity [band strikes up martial music as auditorium erupts with roars of overwhelming jubilation.]"

Since the presiding officer failed to remind those in attendance to turn off their cell pones, the prayer was also frequently punctuated by the ringing of numerous iPhones throughout the auditorium, mostly from credit card service companies or businesses selling alternatives to high electric bills, but often with no one on the other end of the line.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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