SPD Ordered to Not Use Tear Gas on Protestors: Respond With a Brutal New Tactic

Written by Charles Havers

Saturday, 13 June 2020

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Punishment by Trump

Judge Richard Jones has banned police in Seattle from using tear gas or pepper spray against protestors. The Seattle Police Department (“SPD”) responded by unveiling a new tactic that quickly dispersed demonstrators. Critics are concerned that police in other cities will use similar methods, and described the tactic as “brutal”, “beyond the pale”, and “unspeakably evil”.

Shortly after Jones’ order, protestors, most of whom were peaceful, were buffeted with non-stop Donald Trump. The SPD blasted the protestors with Trump's speeches, Trump's campaign rallies, Trump's thoughts on immigration, and the like, for hours on end.

Things were even worse for those unfortunate enough to get themselves arrested. They were forced not only to listen to, but also to look at pictures of Trump, while in the squad car and while being booked.

Lieutenant Callie Conway, spokesperson for the SPD, explained that enough is enough. Her department is tired of being criticized by those on the left for being too harsh with demonstrators, and by those on the right for not being harsh enough. She also recited an old proverb: “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt. Although the effort was successful and will most likely be copied by other police departments, it did have some unintended side effects.

The trauma caused some protestors to throw up in the police cars, which are now out of commission for the time being. The recordings also made some officers ill, and several had to be hospitalized. One actually went berserk, screaming: “Enough is enough” as he attacked the officer playing the recordings.

Conway dismissed these reports as “fake news.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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