Trump Assures Americans that They’ll Be Able to Return to Their Crappy Low-Paying Jobs without Health Insurance Soon

Written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 23 April 2020

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Trump vowed to protect workers by bailing out large corporations.

With the end of the national COVID-19 lockdown in sight, United States President Donald Trump reassured Americans currently unemployed as a result of coronavirus-related business shutdowns that they will be able to return to their crappy, low-paying jobs without health insurance very soon.

“I know how eager people are to get back to feeling productive," said Trump, pledging to do everything he could to encourage governors to swiftly reopen state economies, so that people could return to working around the clock to barely make ends meet. “No one likes taking a government handout."

The president added, “Working people are the heart behind all those faceless corporations. The corporations may not appreciate them, but I do. And I'm going to get them back to doing the jobs no one else wants to do as soon as possible."

Given that less than half of the country’s total population receive employer-sponsored health insurance, Trump noted that for the majority of Americans, being unemployed hasn’t affected their access to health insurance in the slightest. “If anything,” he said, “this pandemic has proven that people don’t need health insurance. After all, we managed to survive coronavirus without it! Most of us, at least.”

For that reason, said Trump, he will continue to fight against Medicare for All and other forms of socialized medicine, explaining that he will, instead, be focusing on protecting jobs by bailing out large corporations. "That's a much smarter use of our public funds," he said. "And the only way to help real Americans.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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