WebMD Algorithms Prove Unflappable on Company's Covid-19 Self Diagnosis Site

Written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Thursday, 23 April 2020

image for WebMD Algorithms Prove Unflappable on Company's Covid-19 Self Diagnosis Site

(Elgin, Illinois) Since its founding in 1998, WebMD has been a valuable medical website to educate its visitors on a myriad of health-related topics. From learning about Morgellons Disease to understanding if your body is low on Hyaluronic Acid, WebMD has empowered hypochondriacs and bossy know-it-alls everywhere to second guess their doctors’ various diagnoses on crazy ideas like “allergies” or “...a strained muscle”.

Because of its massive presence, the site was also quick to serve its demographic of visitors with a recently released Covid-19 Self Diagnosis Quiz - a simple, five-question survey that has a user answer questions about whether they are experiencing various symptoms, and whether that person should seek further medical attention. We caught up with muted medical hysteric Evelyn Brompky, a frequent WebMD visitor, as she stepped through the online questionnaire in the front parlor of her house.

“Well, I sneezed a couple of times two days ago, and have some kind of tingling sensation down my left leg, so I am going to answer ‘Yes' to all of these symptom questions and submit it,” she said determinedly to her Macbook. Within seconds, WebMD gave her the diagnosis she was hooping for, “SPECTACULAR! I have stage four bone cancer! I KNEW my doctor was a quack, and am thankful the site told me the TRUTH about what is wrong with me. The site’s programmers with their ‘algorithms’ and ‘artificial intelligence’ can see right through this Coronavirus silliness, and stick with what they always knew was wrong with me before this pandemic stuff started! I bet if I gave the survey further information, it would reveal a secondary type of cancer I KNOW I have...those dummies at the Mayo Clinic don’t have a clue!” Evelyn then walked off to call her son to tell him the news, and hold it against him for marrying that Stella girl and leaving home in the first place.

It may be hard to believe in these isolating times, but the Coronavirus pandemic will eventually pass. WebMD is on the forefront of the medical information battle to ensure the paranoid and skittish remain grounded in the real reason they will perish at a tragic, young age. Thank you for your steadfast commitment to integrity, magical medical website!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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