How to Tell You're Watching Bad Porn

Written by P.J. Maggitti

Monday, 4 November 2019

image for How to Tell You're Watching Bad Porn
I think I may have just found my chewing gum.

Jesus once said, "The porn you will always have with you." He was right. In fact, porn is multiplying faster than the loaves and fishes. Last year more than 5.5 billion hours of porn were consumed on Pornhub, the world’s largest porn gallery (Pornhub). Thirty-five percent of all internet downloads are porn-related (WebRoot). Porn sites receive more regular traffic each month than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined (HuffPost).

The good news is...that's some bad shit; the bad news is ... a lot of that shit has to be lame. Therefore, in an effort to prevent you from wasting your eyesight and your time, we present a number of tell tale signs that you're watching bad porn.

10. All the women trim their mustaches into cute little strips.

9. Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the filming of this video.

8. Accepts Visa, MasterCard, and food stamps as payment.

7. The men all have names like Freddy Firehose or Dr. Cyclops.

6. Children under twelve must be accompanied by an adult.

5. The adult does not have to be a parent or legal guardian.

4. One-hour memberships available.

3. Toilet cams are not cleaned frequently.

2. Passwords limited to three characters; one must be different from the other two.

1. The woman playing Paris Hilton really is Paris Hilton.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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