Nashville Man Relieved to Just Have Cancer

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 21 March 2020

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“I dodged a bullet once, but I may not be so lucky next time,” said Clinton Toler, who tested negative for COVID-19.

After experiencing coughing and fatigue, Clinton Toler of Nashville, Tennessee, found a clinic able to test him for COVID-19, but learned, to his immense relief, that he only had cancer.

“I was sure it was coronavirus,” he said, shaking his head thankfully. “Just goes to show the dangers of self-diagnosis.”

To his delight, Toler also learned that self-quarantine is not necessary for his type of cancer. “Apparently it’s a lot less contagious than coronavirus, which means I don’t have to worry about transmitting it to my parents or girlfriend,” he said. “It’ll also make things much easier at meal times.”

Despite his negative diagnosis for COVID-19, Toler said that he does plan to continue taking common-sense measures like washing his hands before eating and after using the bathroom, and not touching his face. “No point taking unnecessary chances,” he noted. “I dodged a bullet once, but I may not be so lucky next time.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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