The village of Chaffinch St Cock has been quieter than usual this week, thanks to the pandemic lockdown. That is, until this morning, when it saw Britain's first internet riots.
The small settlement lost internet service on Saturday afternoon due to an escaped mental patient gnawing through the village's only broadband cable.
"It's severely affected us," said Mayor Geoff Small. "We're not allowed to leave our homes, not even to tend the sheep, and the internet has been a great release."
Chaffinch St Cock only acquired its internet connection in 2013. After the cable was laid, residents held a ceremonial bonfire to burn all their books, believing they would no longer be needed.
"That was a bit short-sighted," admitted the Mayor. "But it made a fine blaze. We don't have as many burnings as we used to."
The cable-biting lunatic was local man, Herbert "Mad Herbie" Small, who was incarcerated in 2014 for trying to open a bookshop.
By Saturday night, howls of rage and frustration could be heard throughout the village. Finally, the discontent spilled into the streets on Sunday morning, when the vicar was asking locals to stay indoors as advised, while he preached from the church garden using a megaphone. Residents strapped him to the altar and burned down the church.
The town's only policeman was unavailable, as he is currently serving a 5-year sentence for indecency.
The riots continue to rage, and Boris Johnson has suggested calling in the army to napalm the area.
