Last Line of Defense Ribbon Campaign Announced!

Written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Tuesday, 14 April 2020

image for Last Line of Defense Ribbon Campaign Announced!

(Philadelphia, PA) Support The Ribbons, Inc. (a New York state supplier of made-in-China custom-printed magnetic ribbons) announced a new line of products specifically designed to address the needs of the true heroes of this tragic time, the Last Line of Defense Campaign:

Deep down in your soul, you know you are the only thing in our country that stands between surviving the Coronavirus pandemic and seeing human society collapse into utter chaos.

Sure, you may not be a medical professional like a nurse who hopes to avoid the Grim Reaper while treating contagious patients in dangerous, deadly environments…those people knew what they were signing up for as pre-med flunkies.

No, your crucial role in these unprecedented times is about MAINTAINING ORDER. Your constant, vigilant posts to all forms of social media on how everybody is not obeying social distancing rules, shelter at home guidelines, or practicing proper hand washing techniques are what’s needed most in these dark times. Your online berating of all behaviors you deem wrong is what will help keep America great!

Likewise, you can be spotted yelling out of car windows at people walking dogs as you go on your only absolutely essential errand, or barking at someone in the Big Box store for standing a bit too close, as you wait in line to purchase your ration of hand sanitizer.

You are doing your part, but how can others know your steadfast presence is what really comforts cities and nations, when a deadly, contagious virus armageddons its way around the globe, leaving the dead non-compliers in its wake?

Now you can let the folks in your community know your importance by displaying this heroic magnetic ribbon on your car, truck, mini-van, or SUV. It is certain to be noticed and admired by those who see it when you head to the supermarket to ensure old people aren’t buying too much toilet paper, or when you berate the destitute, welfare-grubbing person for not wearing a mask, as they use their EBT card to buy groceries (even though you KNOW they cannot afford to buy one). You can proudly display this symbol as if you had a son or daughter who was sent out to war, because what you are doing is JUST AS IMPORTANT!

Because you were born to serve.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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