President Donald Trump announced, at a press conference at the White House, this morning, that a cure for COVID-19 has been concocted.
“That is right, everybody, a vaccine has been developed by Corona Labs, a private vaccine producer. It was my input to the lab which made all of this possible,” stated an astute Donald Trump. “Now that we can cure everyone, we will go about getting Wall Street back into the bull market."
“This is a good thing, because no longer do Americans have to worry about social distancing, and can go back to getting right in someone’s face when fighting over the last roll of toilet paper on the grocery store’s shelf. Now you can touch your faces with impunity, and cough on everyone around you. This is a really good happening."
When talking to Doctor Inoculate, we found out that the novel vaccine, which is named Heineken Vaccine, is comprised of elephant urine and bits and pieces of Playstation 5. They say people who get the vaccine will be adept at playing video games on all platforms.
When asking Dr. Inoculate how he got the elephant urine, he responded: “First, we put out 50 gallon barrels of beer where the elephants roam. Then, when they get drunk and discombobulated, we come up and take the urine as they are urinating. The one drawback over this, is, when inebriated, the elephants start swallowing goldfish and doing the tide pod challenge."
As of press time, while the Heineken Vaccine cured COVID-19, a side effect is that it turned the recipients into kleptomaniacs, which doesn’t bode well for the people looking for toilet paper.