In a dramatic policy reversal, United States President, Donald Trump, instead of banning most flavored e-cigarettes, as he had previously pledged to do, issued a presidential pardon of e-cigarette company JUUL, relieving the vaping company of criminal liability for hooking millions of youth on nicotine.
"In one fell swoop, I've saved the nation billions of dollars in litigation expenses," bragged Trump, who is rumored to also be considering a measure making smokers a protected class of citizens. "And I've freed up the courtrooms for matters that truly matter - like the thousands of marijuana possession cases still awaiting trial."
Meanwhile, although the ongoing impeachment proceedings against the president continue to reveal ever-more-troubling evidence that Trump pressured Ukrainian officials into investigating his political rival Joe Biden's son in exchange for military aid, Trump claims to feel "just peachy" about his prospects of remaining in office.
He added with a chuckle, "in fact, I think JUUL has that flavor. If not, they should."