Joe Rogan Secretly Yearns to Go Vegan but Fears Alienating Fans

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 13 December 2019

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Sources report that due to his own abandonment issues, Rogan doesn't want to betray his meathead fans by going vegan.

Sources report that comic and podcast show host Joe Ragan, known for his protein-pounding, bow-hunting ways, secretly yearns to go vegan, but fears alienating his meathead fans.

"It's not just a marketing thing," said one inside source. "He's genuinely concerned his fans will feel totally betrayed. And he has abandonment issues himself, so he really doesn't want to do that to anyone else."

In addition, Rogan reportedly worries that switching to a vegan diet will anger some of his more volatile, emotionally unstable fans - of which he has many. "If they find out he's been spouting a bunch of nutrition nonsense to them all this time, there's no telling what they'll do," said another Rogan insider. "And he knows that all too well."

Rich Roll, a plant-based professional endurance athlete and multiple-time guest on Rogan's podcast, confirmed the rumors that Rogan yearns to be part of the forward-thinking, environmentally-conscious sector of the population that has adopted a plant-based diet, but harbors insecurities that he's not good enough to belong to, what he considers, an elite "vegan club."

"I told him there's no permission slip required," said Roll. "It's really not that big a deal. Stop eating the products of unconscionable suffering, and start eating foods that heal you and make you stronger. Simple as that."

Roll noted that among other health concerns like high cholesterol, Rogan has wondered aloud whether going plant-based might alleviate his sleep apnea. "I told him I would think it would," said Roll, "but don't take my word for it - try it for thirty days and see what happens. Again, no big deal."

According to Roll, however, Rogan questions whether he deserves to feel that good after all the elk he's killed with his cross-bow and all the humans he's irreparably harmed with his off-base "bro science" nutrition advice. "He's carrying a lot of shame. I told him, look man, we've all done our share of stupid s***. All is forgiven."

Nevertheless, for now, it seems that Rogan aims to stick with his meat-heavy ways, regardless of the damage it's doing to his own body and, by his example, to his podcast listeners.

"I only hope that one day he comes to love himself enough to go vegan," said Roll. "All that the rest of us can do is love him until he's able to truly love himself."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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