Desperate FDA Classifies Going Outside as Exercise

Written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 25 November 2019

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Going outside is something Americans should aim to do for at least 30 seconds per day, says the FDA.

Desperate to combat rising rates of chronic disease in an increasingly sedentary indoor culture, the Food and Drug Administration has officially classified 'going outside and remaining there for at least 30 seconds' as exercise.

"It's something that's totally achievable for most people, which is why we're recommending it," said FDA Commissioner Brett Giroir. "People can incorporate it on their way to work, by exiting their house and waiting a few moments before stepping into their waiting vehicle."

Anticipating the pushback, he added, "Thirty seconds is something that seems like a long time, but it's actually very manageable once you develop a routine."

Giroir noted that many  Americans living in the suburbs but eager to boost their exercise rates have asked whether a garage counts as "outside."

"We tell them, that's up to you," said Giroir. "Our role is to give people the appropriate guidelines, and they can figure out for themselves the best way to apply them to their lives. We're not trying to tell anyone what to do."

When pressed as to whether the FDA ever plans to change the regulation permitting "foreign matter" such as cigarette butts in food to lend it a smoky flavor, Giroir declined to comment except to say that the FDA takes a strong stance against smoking.

"Cigarettes do not in any way, shape, or form constitute exercise. We want to be very clear on that," stated Giroir. "Utilizing them outside, however, could produce some limited benefits."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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