Nanny Pelosi and Upchuck Schumer, speaking on behalf of the “Democratic” Party, announced two "artichokes of impeachment" against President Donald Trump.
“Today, in service of our party,” Pelosi said, “we are charging the president with having high times and missing manners.”
Specifically, the Democrats have charged the president with being “too independent for our own good”, and with being “unbeatable in the 2020 election".
Next on the Democrats' agenda, Schumer said, a full House will be played against whatever cards the Republicans play. (Yes, that's how major issues affecting millions of people's lives and, this time, the president's term of office, are decided—by a show of hands.)
If the impeachment proceeds, the Senate will conduct the trial, and President Trump will be fully exonerated of all charges.
“Then, I'll beat the bastards again in 2020,” the embattled president tweeted, “and may God have mercy on their wicked souls.”