Charleston Man Urges Reinstatement of Slavery for Canines

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 4 December 2019

image for Charleston Man Urges Reinstatement of Slavery for Canines
Brett Gallatin prides his slave dog on its subservience and its ability to chase squirrels.

Speaking out against the - in his view - overly sentimental pet-parent culture that's pervaded much of the United States, Brett Gallatin of Charleston, South Carolina, is advocating for the reinstatement of slavery for domestic canines.

"I'm not a doggie-daddy and I don't live with an animal companion," said Gallatin. "I own my f***ing dog."

When pressed to personally identify the canine he feeds and allows to sleep in his backyard at night, Gallatin only shrugged. "I didn't name it. Are you even hearing what I'm saying?"

Gallatin went on to explain that his aim with his personal slave dog is to engender perfect subservience and obedience rather than any sort of independent initiative. Even so, Gallatin had some very positive things to say about the animal he considers an object without feelings, intellect, or desires. "It's good at chasing squirrels. They haven't managed to chew their way into my shed out back like they used to."

Gallatin emphasized that the form of slavery he envisions would encompass only dogs and other pets like cats, birds, lizards, snakes, and goldfish. "Not people, of course. Unless they have a disability and they're burdens on society."

He noted that, depending on circumstances, skin color might potentially be a disability. "I'm not prejudiced, though," he said. "My own dog is black."

Gallatin's proposed animal slavery system would not, however, include farmed animals like cows, chickens, or pigs. "You have to be a kind of person to be a slave," he pointed out. "They're just food."

Although Gallatin certainly has a longer-term animal slavery vision, for the time being, he is content with honing his slave-master skills on his own slave dog. "Although at some point, I might take a crack at my wife," he said. "With the right discipline, I might be able to turn her into a valuable asset."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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