"Surprise Meat" Latest in Healthier Animal Products Market

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 1 November 2019

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With Gud4U's "surprise slaughter" process, unsuspecting cows never even know what hit them.

Recognizing that cows, chickens, pigs, and other farmed animals are flooded with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline in the moments of anticipation prior to their brutal slaughterhouse death, making their flesh that much unhealthier for humans to consume, innovative food company Gud4U Farms has begun offering "surprise meat," harvested from animals who have absolutely no idea what's coming to them.

"These animals lead a very happy life, and truly love and trust their handlers," explained Gud4U CEO Larry Hatfield. "Typically they're surprised from behind, while one of the humans with whom they've formed a particularly special bond distracts them from the front. The death is instantaneous; they never even know what hit them."

As a result, Gud4U claims, these animals' flesh contains much lower levels of toxic stress hormones, and humans can consume it without fear that the animals' trauma-induced stress will negatively impact their own health.

"It's also more humane for the animals," said Hatfield. He assured consumers, however, that that factor is but a byproduct of Gud4U's "surprise slaughter" process, and that the company would never place the welfare of its farmed animals above human health.

Surprise meat has quickly become extremely popular among health-conscious Americans who used to feel guilt and shame over sabotaging their health by eating animal products.

"Thanks to surprise meat, I can now go to sleep with a clear conscience," said Melody Fraser of Nashville, Tennessee, who has also reported a boost in self-esteem (as well as cholesterol) as a result of feeding her body animal flesh that's not flooded with harmful natural stress hormones. "I'm worth it."

"There's no need for anyone to feel bad about what they're eating anymore," said Hatfield. "Peaceful, stress-hormone-free flesh is the wave of the future."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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