Divided Nation Unites to Celebrate National Blivit Day

Funny story written by P.J. Maggitti

Thursday, 21 November 2019

image for Divided Nation Unites to Celebrate National Blivit Day
Algebraically, a blivit is defined as X pounds of shit in a Y-pound bag, where X is greater than Y.

WEST CHESTER, PA—Today our divided nation unites in the observation of National Blivit Day. According to Reader's Digest, where blivit first appeared in a 1945 column called "Humor in Uniform," a blivit was originally defined as "ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag." The bag, either cloth or paper, was used by flyers to dispose of #2, sometimes as an auxiliary bomb.

Over time, however, this definition was expanded so that, algebraically, a blivit is X pounds of shit in a Y-pound bag, where X is greater than Y. Nevertheless, the military-grade definition remains the gold standard for blivits.

In last night's presidential debate, Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) referred to Mayor Pete Buttigieg as "a pompous blivit." As both Ms. Gabbard and Mr. Buttigieg are veterans, this remark appeared to discombobulate Mr. Buttigieg, who seemed unable to decide which of the seven languages he speaks he should use in his rebuttal.

When blivit was brought home by soldiers returning from WWII, its meaning spread to include any person, place, or thing that was nonsensical, useless, unnecessary, and/or annoying. Eventually blivit grew secondary and tertiary meanings:

2. a fat, unpleasant and/or offensive person or thing; an unpleasant or distasteful job, task, or situation. 3. An intractable problem or a crucial piece of hardware that cannot be fixed or replaced if it breaks.

At the end of the day, none of these interlopers can compare to the original meaning of blivit for brevity, wit, and impact. Can Blivits for Dummies be far behind?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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