Where are they now? Izal Toilet Paper

Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 9 July 2019

image for Where are they now? Izal Toilet Paper
"But Mummy it hurts my little bum"

Izal medicated toilet tissue? Don't make me laugh.

If you don't remember it, you are lucky. This shiny, waterproof, abrasive product was routinely found in workplaces, hospitals, school toilets and public conveniences, probably intending to discourage innocents from taking a break from work or lessons.

It had a slight odour of disinfectant about it, and its hydrophobic properties made it a bugger to use and completely unsuited to its purpose. It was useless, and it seems its sole purpose was to spread the poo around, instead of wiping your bum clean. Yuk! I felt sorry for the ladies whose gentle parts might have suffered injury from this abomination.

I was working in a leading London teaching hospital when the decision was made from on high to cease supplying proper tissue and reintroduce Izal, although patients undergoing haemorrhoid surgery were to be spared its attentions. Within days the acronym CRAP was to be found all over hospital noticeboards. It was the medical students who had started the Campaign for the Reintroduction of Absorbent Paper. They were successful, and our derrieres were forever grateful.

I must admit that it did have one good feature - its shiny translucency made it quite good as tracing paper for primary school children, although the Andrex puppy certainly wouldn't like to romp around with it.

Rumour has it that those Brexit buffoons who want to take us back to the 1940s want to bring it back along with their blue passports. That should bring the masses out onto the street!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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