Sex Scandal Rocks Christian Mingle Dating Site

Written by P.J. Maggitti

Friday, 15 November 2019

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“I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment.”

WEST CHESTER, Pa. – The massively popular dating site Christian Mingle has been rocked by a sex scandal. "Threesomes, foursomes, pedophilia, bestiality, anal sex, cock-fingering, scat play, you name it and apparently 'God will provide it' through Christian Mingle," said chief sex crimes investigator Warren T. Smith of the West Chester Police. "If god had a hand in this business, he really does work in mysterious ways."

These gobsmacking revelations, said Smith, "explain why Christian Mingle's membership is growing faster than a teenage boy's erection while he's wrestling with some virginity pledge hottie in the back of his father's SUV."

Understandably, rival Christian dating site founders are showing no mercy over the Christian Mingle revelations.

"I'm not surprised at all that Christian Mingle is resorting to some rather un-Christian private chat rooms to boost its membership," said eHarmony co-founder, Neil Clark Warren, 84, a clinical psychologist. "Their members appear to be multiplying faster than the loaves and fishes."

Indeed. The web site Christian Mingle Review claims that Christian Mingle welcomes "11,000,000 visitors every month and has a total of 1,800,000 unique visitors . . . 2237.7% more than the average of all dating web sites."

Such a growth spurt cannot be explained merely by the fact that Christian Mingle offers free membership to women. Insiders claim that Christian Mingle's hidden chat rooms, known as the catacombs, are keeping it on top of its competitors.

Persons who know which chat rooms to join can find whatever sins, original or otherwise, their Jesus-loving hearts desire. Click the "Suffer the Little Children" button, select "private chat," enter your password, and you will meet some little children who look to be truly suffering.

Other popular private chat room links include "Turn the Other Cheek," "My Brother's Wife's Keeper," and "Delight Yourself."

The office at Christian Mingle did not reply to repeated calls seeking comment. Calls were routed to an answering message that said: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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