Arsenal are prepared to add defenders Calum Chambers, Carl Jenkinson or midfielder Mohamed Elneny into any potential deal for Crystal Palace's Wilfried Zaha. The Gunners have already had a £40m offer for the 26-year-old Ivory Coast winger rejected. An Arsenal spokesman told The Spoof "we've also offered them some of our celebrity fans, as the so-called Eagles need a bit of stardust. They are considering our offer of Sol Campbell's sultry ex-girlfriend, singer Dido or Jay-Z along with Beyoncé but unfortunately they have refused to take Piers Morgan, and Osama bin Laden is no longer available."
Sales of body armour to Premier League defenders have risen sharply on the news that former Chelsea striker Diego Costa, 30, is ready to speak to Everton over a move back to England from Atletico Madrid.
Full-back Lee Hodson, who has joined Gillingham after leaving Rangers, says the third tier of English football is on a par with the Scottish Premiership. A spokesman for the Scottish Premiership told The Spoof "This is an insult. The English first division is much better than that."
Manchester City assistant boss Mikel Arteta and Nice coach Patrick Vieira have been warned off the Magpies job by ex-Newcastle manager Rafa Benitez. Benitez is known to have complained that he couldn't understand a word anyone says in Newcastle and he was pissed off with drinking "nowt but Newcastle Brown".
David Luiz believes the return of Frank Lampard to Chelsea will see the club rediscover its identity. Said Luiz "We haven't had a sex scandal at the club for a while now since Cashley, JT and Lamps left, but we're all expecting to feature in the new boss' home videos soon."