Protesters demand repeal of the Porn Laws

Saturday, 25 May 2019

image for Protesters demand repeal of the Porn Laws
In future Britain, nature documentaries may be the closest thing to sex on screen we will ever see

Harmless habit, or accursed addiction leading to blindness and blisters. Porn has been with us since prehistoric man first drew tits on a cave wall and settled down for a wank.

Nevertheless, from this July, the UK will have the most restrictive porn laws in the world, requiring users to register with a credit card and give personal details to access any porn website. It is a draconian measure which goes further than any other country.

Protesters marched to Parliament in London today to express their disappointment. Speaker Geoff Hankie said, "I'm a single man and without porn I'd literally have to try to use my imagination to get off. Have you ever tried that? Thanks to our world of instant gratification, I have no imagination any more. Every time I try to imagine a porn scene, my mind wanders. Often my mother appears in the scene for no reason, and I can't get rid of her. I just can't go through with it. I need the pictures."

Marcher Harry Bollocks was angry. "Even Saudi Arabia has less restrictive porn laws," he yelled. "There, under Sharia Law, it is perfectly legal to watch as much porn as you want, as long as the actors are all infidels."

Medical experts agree that a man must watch porn at least twice a week to maintain a healthy metabolism. Any less than that, and the testes will begin to shrink. More than five times a week can lead to addiction, RSI and hairy palms. The scientific consensus is that women do not need it at all.

Thanks to the internet, most men are used to viewing porn any time they like. In Sweden, it is even legally recognised as a basic human right, alongside water, freedom, saunas and catchy-but-melancholy pop music.

Yet the UK is stepping backwards into a dark age, where men will struggle with sweaty palms to recall what sex looks like, trying in vain not to think of their mother, and failing because they lack the necessary visual clue of seeing pictures of real people having sex.

However, there are some winners from the Porn Law, because it only affects the internet, and not print publications. Publishers of Razzle magazine, which has been close to bankruptcy for many years, are now expecting a bumper year ahead. Owner Baron Shandy said, "Hehe! I couldn't have done it better if I'd bribed the government myself."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics



Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more